It’s a new day and I want to start working on my discovery last night. I am too often putting myself at the bottom of my priority list.
When I was in my early twenties and a single working woman I used to joke that you couldn’t lose yourself. I mean, aren’t you right there? Couldn’t you just reach down and easily grab your own ass with both hands? It seemed like an excuse to be selfish - to throw away everything and everyone that was counting on you. “I have to find myself” what a crock! Boy, was I arrogant. It’s almost embarrassing now.
I did lose myself. After another endless argument with my husband about how no one thinks about what Mama needs and having my husband tell me that he would like it if I could be more than Mama now - I realized that I am not even on my to do list.
Over the last year we have been under a lot of stress. Selling a house, buying a house, moving with kids, having our older house stay on the market and lose value, my husbands work becoming more stressful, the twins start both school and specialized therapy to deal with speech delays in one and low muscle tone in the other. Most of this stress came to me to deal with. My husband’s work stress meant that he did less at home and wanted to do even less than he was.
In response, I did as my mother did before me. I sacrificed the things I was doing for me. I stopped going to the gym. I gave up my pottery class, I stopped writing here and gave up my regular Mom’s day out. My whole life became about taking care of others when I wasn’t caring for me.
This all came to a head last night when I realized this. I was furious and resentful. I felt taken advantage of. I was hurt that no one was acting on my feelings. And that’s when it hit me. I wasn’t either.
It’s list day but it’s for an extra reason today. I need to get a lot done just like usual but I also need to focus outside myself. It’s a tough day and I need to focus on the kids and getting things done instead of get caught in the turmoil inside of me.
uh oh, I only have about 30 more minutes before the girls come home and that usually heralds the end of my time to clean anything.
My music today need to reflect the mood I am working for - serene instead of the one I feel troubled.
Will I sell a house. Well at least not simply to buy another. If my husband would get moved in his job, it’s an obvious thing but it’s also one where his company would help us with the sale.
Of course we chose to sell in a horrible deflating housing market - euphamistically called a Buyers market. My lawyer says that no one likes a buyers market because the buyers think they are getting ripped off if they don’t get the moon for a nickel and the sellers are watching their home talked down and aren’t getting what they think it’s worth. It also sits on the market a long time typically meaning endless showings and chances to get your hopes up that this person will want it.
Accepting the offer can be a whole other slice of hell. Our buyer came in with an offer at the same time another offer appeared. He could close quickly so we went with him eventhough he was already showing himself more difficult to deal with. He starts by dragging his feet on the inspection. Then he wants everything to be perfect when the house is selling at a bargain. And then he drags his feet on contacting his lawyer and signing the purchase and sale.
But it’s over Thursday and I can’t wait. I am hoping he and our neighbors get along famously. Famously as in the Hatfields and McCoys. I hope he loves the barking bull mastiff. The families who argue over leaves, the neighbor who never does his share of cleaning the shared hilly drive. I hope he finds out one cold morning that the oil delivery truck won’t come until he widens the cleared portion of the drive.
In the mean time I am in my new home with it’s share of nasty little surprises and still happy I am here. Maybe that’s the point of it though, some of this is just what selling and buying is all about. It’s just even nastier in a buyers market.
to get all of this done…
We have finallysold our old house and moved into our new house. Now for putting stuff away and figuring out where that “away” is. So it’s back to List days for me.
And it wouldn’t be list day with some music to set my mood.
I need to get a lot done today. I have plans now to be away from the home tomorrow and we often get showings toward the end of the week.
And a little music to start my day
I have been noticing that I am having a very difficult time staying on what was once a fairly easy to maintain diet. A rampaging appetite in the evening is the worst component. I really didn’t make a connection though to my anti-depressant until last night. About 8 months ago I went on Lexapro to pull myself out of a generalized funk. It’s been amazing. I am not only specifically out of that funk but I am able to handle more general stress and have lost almost all of my PMS (which was raging beforehand) I was not fond of going on an antidpressent long term but with all of the positives, it was worth it. Or so I thought.
This morning after stepping on the scale for the first time in a few weeks, I was shocked. I have put on 30 lbs in a very short time frame. 30 lbs on an already overweight body. Looking back, the other times I have been taking an antidepressant also represented sudden weight gains and going off represented weight losses. I don’t want to go off so it’s a call to the doctor to see if I can switch to Zoloft or Wellbutrin or one of the others that tend to be more weight gain neutral.
The ever unpopular (at least by me) to do list. Now that the kids are back in school and I am needing to set up a regular schedule to get things done…. I’m afraid I must pull out my lists. They do seem to keep me more on task.
I think that’s it. Not bad for a list day unless you play close attention to the cleaning one. That’s a quite a bit to be rolled into one line.
And for a tune to set the mood:
Hudson and Lily
Our new kittens.
We adopted them about a month ago from a woman who took in their stray mother only to find out she was pregnant. Both kittens are healthy and have adapted well into our home. They tolerate the sometimes exuberant affection of my four children and hold their own against our sometimes wound up 40lb dog.
After our tragic loss of our older cats to predation (we believe), these cats will be strictly indoor cats.
Some of you might recall I was having a string of rather bad luck. It was a summer for drama in my house. Both of my cats ended up going missing - we believe the work of a predator. My oldest daughter had surgery and the anesthesia made her miserable. We renovated a bathroom only to find out that the previous owners covered up a rotting corner post when they reroofed the house. (We had thought - wow a NEW ROOF!!!) We had almost no traffic on our house after it was first listed (thankfully that’s now changed) And just before we were to travel to my parents 75 birthday party, my mother announces that her urologist found kidney cancer and was removing her entire left kidney in 2 weeks.
We also made an offer on a house that though I didn’t love it I could see it’s positive points for my family. Lots of room, big closets and 5 bathrooms. (I will have 3 teenage daughters afterall) However after getting lots of encouragement to make the offer, the seller then decided that she wouldn’t bargain with us or even for that matter accept/reject an offer.
I felt like life was SOOO out of my control.
So one week, I got an email letting me know about 2 kittens up for adoption. They were the offspring of a stray cat someone took in. So that weekend I told my husband that I wanted to adopt the kittens and take back my life. We were putting it off because of selling and moving. He wasn’t completely supportive but knows that I generally know what I want and need.
That Saturday, I saw the beautiful antique home. I loved it. I then got the kittens - who are great with my rowdy kids. I then took my husband to the house and he liked it enough that we withdrew our offer on the other house and made an immediate offer. It was signed right away. The couple we are dealing with have been great about anything we have asked or needed. They have gone ahead and fixed the few problems found on our inspection on their own. They need the extra time we have asked before closing because they are building a home. Everything and I mean EVERYTHING has fallen into place.
Then I went to my mothers surgery and my mom’s surgeon says that they got all of the cancer, it had not left the kidney at all. She has come through the surgery very well and is home recovering her strength.
Recent Comments